I Feel So - Boxcar Racer

Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over
Let's start over

See the video here

Following the light into darkness

God has lead me to the point at which I must face that my father abandoned me 21 years ago. I also have to face the fact that he is still absent from my life.

IT HURTS SO BAD to deal with that thought for just a few seconds. In my head I am sobbing - "Oh God how could he have done this to me. How could he walk away from me and now after all these years still not make an effort to enjoy his son."

I can still see him leaving, I can still see him crying as he told me that he was not coming home any more. I vividly remember the day that I decided that maybe he would want to spend more time with me if I stopped being mad at him. I remember all the time I heard "someday I will take you to do that" and realizing that someday is never today. "Life is just busy, Kory"

I remember coming home from 6 weeks of residential counseling and having my mom look at me and tell me that they should have kept me cause I didn't change. That it was not her, I was the one with the problem and things were better while I was in the hospital. Then she met my stepdad and abandoned me too.

Wow. Of all the people I know, I would have been the last person I would have identified with abandonment issues. Go figure. I guess looking outward (being opinionated)has always just been easier.

This should be a fun ride.

Prayed for calm today and...

God gently reminded me -

Romans 8:15
15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

WWJD or WDJD

The answer to WWJD (What would Jesus do) will drive you insane if you try to figure it out every time. What that statement means to me is that in order to please God I have to dig down inside my own simple mind and try to figure out what my super natural, all powerful, all knowing and perfectly loving designer would be thinking right now. That appears to be a claim that I am smart as Him. That is a claim that I am able to pull out of me the spirit of the Lord and be who he is.

The real question should be WDJD (What did Jesus do). He gave His life and His love to save us from ourselves. We rather than pull him out of us, need to push into Him. As we move closer in our relationship with Him, we have a mirror effect. His light is reflected stronger and stronger as our worldly image grows smaller and dimmer as we continue to lay our worldly spirit of unworthiness at the foot of the cross.

He loves us and does not want us to walk alone. He does not want to be a life line, he wants to be our lifeblood.

Now what?

God has brought me to a very inward focused point in my journey. He has shown me some changes that HAVE TO BE MADE. Now comes that hard part. The hard part is not accepting the plan, but being obedient to it. It is not trusting God that is hard. It is trusting myself to listen to His instruction rather than run it though my own truth filter.

I keep reminding myself "All His truth is truth. Stop trying to live for God, and let God live through you."

He brought us -

People to surround us with His love.
A sense of peace.
A safe place to press into.
A miraculous healing (again)

The internal repairs were made without incident. For the first time in 10 years, the doctors found no traces of endometriosis!!!

Thank you Jesus!!!!!

Psalm 91

1
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2
This I declare of the LORD:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I am trusting him.

3
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from the fatal plague.

4
He will shield you with his wings.
He will shelter you with his feathers.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

5
Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor fear the dangers of the day,

6
nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

7
Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.

8
But you will see it with your eyes;
you will see how the wicked are punished.

9
If you make the LORD your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,

10
no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your dwelling.

11
For he orders his angels
to protect you wherever you go.

12
They will hold you with their hands
to keep you from striking your foot on a stone.

13
You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

14
The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.

15
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue them and honor them.

16
I will satisfy them with a long life
and give them my salvation."

Feeling useless

I am a problem solver. I do not believe anything can be accomplished through worry only through action. Deal with the matter at hand logically and deal with the emotions later.

The situation I find myself facing today has no easy solution. Carrie's body is requiring more surgery. I know that the process is needed, but she has gone through so much in her life that I am frustrated for her. I also have a deep rooted desire to protect her from physical, emotional and spiritual pain. I have prayed, but I am having a tough time releasing this. I just want to be able to fix this for her without the suffering. My mind realizes that I need to trust God with this, but my spirit is struggling.

It is interesting how God allows pain to bring about growth.


James 1:2-4
2Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. 3For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.

Never would have guessed

Today was a VERY bad day for me in my head. I have not felt this angry at the world in close to 20 years.

I struggled with trying to find the why of my anger. I found it and it makes sense, but as I sit here and type, I am finding it hard to not breakdown. I know the sorrow that lies beneath the surface needs to come out, but it has waited this long it can wait until I get some quiet time tonight.

I have started reading Wild at Heart again today. I read chapter 4 "The Wound." As I read it, I could feel the lid of my box o'pain being preyed back. Lots of memories of time I felt inadequate in front of my dad came into prefect and painful focus. I remember the day I stopped being mad and just started trying to perform to change who I perceived he thought I was.


I was always to determined to never be any of the negative things my dad is. Turns out that in order for me to feel like a man in his eyes, I became him without even realizing it. Don't get me wrong, by dad is a good man at his center, but as I am learning his wound is almost identical to mine. It is like a generational branding that happens in our early teen years. I have for years thought that I had forgiven my dad for leaving us behind. He made some efforts early on, but got caught up in the wave of his second family. It is easy to understand that since it lived with him, it became the focus. It was in his face all the time.

As I continue to type and the memories become more vivid, I am scared, but thanking God for me getting to this point before my boys could face the same fate.

Jesus help me to use my pain and healing to help heal the generations before me and those to come.

Why so blue panda bear?

Today started out as a day that I am feeling sad. I still am not sure what bought on this state, but the events of the day are compounding it. I was given an assignment that should have been simple this morning, but ended up hitting me in a place that I never expected.

I was asked to make two copies of a cd and to input the images into a litigation software for later use. The images made my soul cry out in pain. The were of a father and child who died recently, while on vacation. They died in there sleep of carbon monoxide posioning. The images showed their lifeless bodies in the undisturbed state in which they were discovered. Death SUCKS!!! Those people had no warning that it was coming.

My words to all that read this - Time is not your friend. Love the world so hard that people call you a fool. Engage, engage, engage.