Never would have guessed

Today was a VERY bad day for me in my head. I have not felt this angry at the world in close to 20 years.

I struggled with trying to find the why of my anger. I found it and it makes sense, but as I sit here and type, I am finding it hard to not breakdown. I know the sorrow that lies beneath the surface needs to come out, but it has waited this long it can wait until I get some quiet time tonight.

I have started reading Wild at Heart again today. I read chapter 4 "The Wound." As I read it, I could feel the lid of my box o'pain being preyed back. Lots of memories of time I felt inadequate in front of my dad came into prefect and painful focus. I remember the day I stopped being mad and just started trying to perform to change who I perceived he thought I was.


I was always to determined to never be any of the negative things my dad is. Turns out that in order for me to feel like a man in his eyes, I became him without even realizing it. Don't get me wrong, by dad is a good man at his center, but as I am learning his wound is almost identical to mine. It is like a generational branding that happens in our early teen years. I have for years thought that I had forgiven my dad for leaving us behind. He made some efforts early on, but got caught up in the wave of his second family. It is easy to understand that since it lived with him, it became the focus. It was in his face all the time.

As I continue to type and the memories become more vivid, I am scared, but thanking God for me getting to this point before my boys could face the same fate.

Jesus help me to use my pain and healing to help heal the generations before me and those to come.