Deep sigh...

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function.

For Beane

Remember, If you don't cry out Marco, he can't say Polo.

On a serious note, I need you to know that I am wearing out my knees praying for you to live this song.

When The Tears Fall


I've had questions without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender for ever more

When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You
I will Praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to You

When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to you
I will praise You
Jesus I will praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to you

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus praise You

God's guidance

My current work situation had become almost unbearable, until yesterday. The tension was growing and I could feel my rage building. I was feeling like my helpful nature was being exploited. I was unable to see a way out and I prayed to God and asked ask him to guide me and make my words His. I prayed through out the day and He led me to places and people I had feared going to with my frustration. Today I prayed that the truths I exposed yesterday would be accepted as just that truths. I asked that His truth be the only truth I need and the thing I choose to stand on. My day was peaceful and I felt His shield of truth surrounding me. I was even able to honor Him by sharing His forgiveness through His word with a hurting friend of mine.

Even when I feel lost and alone, Jesus stands patiently waiting for me to call to him.

7"When I had lost all hope, I turned my thoughts once more to the LORD. And my earnest prayer went out to you in your holy Temple. 8Those who worship false gods turn their backs on all God's mercies. 9But I will offer sacrifices to you with songs of praise, and I will fulfill all my vows. For my salvation comes from the LORD alone."

Which connection I should cut

Today I don't need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
"Hey" I said "You can keep my things,
they've come to take me home."

Starting to be revealed

Today the plan started to be revealed. I feel like I am walking through dense jungle brush. I can see nothing around me, but I hear the rustling ahead of me and a voice calling out to me "just keep coming you are almost to the clearing." I can also hear the footsteps and the growl behind me "you better keep running!!!" I feel the burn in my lungs. I am exhausted, but I know that my reward will be in fighting the good fight and trusting the voice calling me to the clearing. Yet I just can't ignore the heat from the breath of my self torment on the back of my neck as it closes in.

I remind myself of the wise words that I never could have imagined would have had a spiritual application in my life. "Don't look back or you will break your stride."

I am asking and listening, but God is just telling me "Be patient." I am just feeling way too anxious for what he has planned for me. My anxiety is stirred up by the fear of this thought- what if he tells me what to do and I am not listening.

This is the thought pattern I have been listening to in my mind. So, I prayed about it and faithful God give me yet another word to calm my spirit. What a good Dad.

Philippians 4:6-7
6Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

You gotta have a plan

Over the weekend, I got the chance to spend some one on one time with my youngest son. I had a project that was gonna require the use of a drill. (power tools are cool) I asked him if he would like to help me and his face lit up, he pulled his tiny shoulders back and puffed out his little chest. He walked out in the backyard to get his tool box and met me at the back of the yard. The task was to disassemble something that the wind had already begun to tear apart. There were about 50 screws to remove. I set the drill on reverse, lined it up with the screw and said "put you hands under mine so you can help me."

We did the first few together then I looked at him and said "you do it." He looked at me with a you gotta be kidding look on his face. I said here take it. He did. I said ok now lets do this one over here. He did not listen and started to do one that had he been successful it would have caused a piece to fall on his head. I stopped him and explained why he need to listen to me and start were I told him to. I told him "you can't just start doing stuff. you have to have a plan."

At that point all of the things God has been trying to show me started to make a little more sense. There always has to be a plan. He has one for me and you. We can not just start doing stuff when he tells us to do some work in a certain place or in a certain way. If we do not listen, just like my son, we risk being hurt.

The Lord tells us this -

Jer 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Life lessons

1. What you want is not always what you need.
2. What you need is not always what you want.
3. What God directs you to do is always what you need.
4. If you ask He will answer.
5. The answer is most times not what you want, but that is only because He has something better.

Ephesians 3:14
¹⁴When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,^{[a] 15}the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.

Where????

Recently, I have been evaluating a lot of the choices I have made in my life and why I have made them. I have been asking the Lord "how did I get to this place, and is this were you want me?" The answer is clear in my heart, but not logical in my head. He is calling me to take another step. My spirit is begging me to obey, but the fear in my mind builds a fierce wall of resistance.

My fear seems insurmountable, but my faith reminds me even in our most retarded moments, when we truly repent and turn our face to God he loves us like this:

“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”