Following the light into darkness

God has lead me to the point at which I must face that my father abandoned me 21 years ago. I also have to face the fact that he is still absent from my life.

IT HURTS SO BAD to deal with that thought for just a few seconds. In my head I am sobbing - "Oh God how could he have done this to me. How could he walk away from me and now after all these years still not make an effort to enjoy his son."

I can still see him leaving, I can still see him crying as he told me that he was not coming home any more. I vividly remember the day that I decided that maybe he would want to spend more time with me if I stopped being mad at him. I remember all the time I heard "someday I will take you to do that" and realizing that someday is never today. "Life is just busy, Kory"

I remember coming home from 6 weeks of residential counseling and having my mom look at me and tell me that they should have kept me cause I didn't change. That it was not her, I was the one with the problem and things were better while I was in the hospital. Then she met my stepdad and abandoned me too.

Wow. Of all the people I know, I would have been the last person I would have identified with abandonment issues. Go figure. I guess looking outward (being opinionated)has always just been easier.

This should be a fun ride.