Heavy sigh...

As I was listening this morning, God dropped a major message on me. It blindsided me so badly, that I almost had to pull over. It is a very simple one word message – TRUST

I wrote it down, so I would not forget to explore it later. When I found a few minutes in my morning, I decided that the first logical step would be to get a clear definition of truth. Here is how the dictionary defines trust - Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

After I read the definition, my mind started to wander to the faces of the people I should trust most in my life. What was disturbing was that most of the faces that popped into my head were not people that I feel that I can fully trust. Not that they do not care deeply for me, but there is just a sense that I can not truly trust them with the deepest parts of me. Whether that part is a problem, a need, a secret, or an outward expression of emotions. (This may explain why I have not cried in over seven years. I have teared up, but each time something happens in my mind that shut it down instantly.)

My guess is that I fear that I will not be cared for in the way I need to be. My crying will not be addressed to comfort me, but the people who care about me will want to help me stop, because it is causing them emotional discomfort to see me upset.

I believe this has roots that travel to the center of my being , and has an unconscious effect on how I perceive and interact with the world.. I am terrified to learn the steps I will need to take and what I am going to have to release, accept or engage to be set free from this undercurrent.

What I do believe and trust is that God has my best interest in mind, and that He will hold me, guide me and love me through this. (If that is true dude, why are you still so scared)

Stay tuned. This should be an interesting season.